The last few months have been tough and I am not going to pretend otherwise just for the sake of it. I had been stuck in a rut and kept quiet about it for so long. Because I felt like I was sounding like a privileged spoiled kid, complaining about things I should be grateful for having. This is my life, however. And I am in no means bound to shut up about the things that bother me – that weigh me down.
2017 has been a wild ride. So much changed for the better. One thing did bother me throughout the entire 365 days, though. At some point, though, I realized it was time to start peeling off the layers of dirt that were covering me. I stepped out into the light. And now, looking back, I realized that this was my rescue. Embracing “no suffering” as my new motto could not have come at a better time and turned my life around 180 degrees.
No suffering, or “why I moved house”
Living in a flat that I never wanted to be in in the first place certainly has left its toll on me. I did only realize how much this has been weighing me down, once I stepped out from underneath. Only when I woke up in my new flat, to the sun shining into my bedroom, calmly waking me from the first deep sleep in weeks, did I see what was missing for so long. Home.
I had never felt a sense of home in my old home. Sure, it was only a means of surviving. This old flat of mine was the first step I took into a new direction. I had already hinted at it. But at the beginning of last year I had ended a long-term relationship. I wanted to move out as quickly as possible and literally said yes to the first flat I visited. It gave me a way out. And I will forever be grateful for that.
However, I did hate it. And the loathing got worse day by day. Up until the moment when I did not want to go home after work, stayed late and met up with friends after almost every single day. When I was home I felt depressed. Uninspired. Uncreative. I felt like suffocating in the dark stuffy rooms.
One day, however, I stumbled upon “no suffering” as a life motto.
And I started to incorporate it into my life. It’s all about accepting that one always has their own life in their hands. It means either fully enduring the situation you are in and embracing it, or changing it. No suffering. No being in relationships that drown you and suffering through it. Either you make the best out of it or you leave. No staying in stupid flats that one does not like, but searching for another one. No powering through a job you hate but jetting off to the Maldives to start over with a cute surfer boy.
Sure, I’ll never know if I will find my luck, love, and happiness in the place I just moved into. Nor does materialism make one happy. However, spending a good third of your monthly wage on something that feels like it’s suffocating you, is no good either.
I’d rather have someplace I want to invite friends into. A place that allows me to take photos for the flat. Some walls that allow me to let my creativity flow. A flat that I want to wake up in on a slow Sunday morning and fall into after a heavy night out. I want to have a home. And I want to embrace it. Coat myself with it. Shout it out into the world.